I don’t know what you are capable of, however, I do know I couldn’t ever be a criminal. The guilt is just something I wouldn’t be able to cope with. Sometimes, even knowing that I’m innocent, I feel like I am Al Capone. A few weeks ago, it happened once again at Malaga Airport. For two weeks I had been enjoying a holiday with my wife in Costa del Sol. We had stayed with friends in their beautiful mountain house and had a wonderful time. However, we had to go back home, which involved navigating through the airport’s customs hall.

Photo credit: smartphotostock.com
Photo credit: smartphotostock.com

Bob Marley Style Cigarettes

I need to explain that never in my life have I smoked, let alone inhaled, those kind of cigarettes that Bob Marley favoured. And you can rest assured I haven’t tried anything more hard core than that. I am actually pretty boring. However, that has never stopped me from building up a huge guilt complex anytime I have to get through customs, no matter where I am in the world. I used to feel guilty in the good ole days when I didn’t have 20 extra fags in the suitcase. However, these days at the airport when I am in the queue, I try convincing myself that I am not called Osama bin Murphy by my friends.

Laptop Checks

I am usually able to make myself appear quite small as a shuffle through the Passport checks. However, it didn’t work this time. At this time, it is normal for them to ask you to remove your laptop from your hand luggage to allow the customs official to get a look at the computer while it goes through the x-ray machine. It dawned on me at this point that the friends I had been staying with do definitely like some nice Rastafarian music. I am sure you catch my drift. All of a sudden I begin to sweat. Then it happens, the official asks if can take a closer look. I tell him as sincerely as I can, “of course.”

Passport Patrol

They take my laptop over to a big machine. I watch them and think they are going to use an ear bud to swab it and then a cloth to wipe it down. I have seen that happen on some of the Passport Patrol programmes that I watch. I am sure you know what I mean, where they are able to detect whether your laptop has been associated with anything questionable, and also know whether your wife is pregnant or not and even can tell if you have done anything shady at all in your life also, such as supported Tottenham Hotspur. The machines are incredible, however, if you happen to have a guilty complex, it is not in a good way.

Stand By Your Man

Right about the time I was looking for moral support from my wife, I glance from the corner of my eye and see that she has sized up the situation. I watch her nonchalantly shuffling away in an attempt to distance herself from me and the situation. Thank you for the past 28 years, my love. I love you too. I start imagining the Peru Two, the two girls who got stuck inside a foreign prison in South America. Now I see my wife trying to run away. In my mind I hear her say, “pretty boy, enjoy your prison stay, Miguel and Jose are waiting for you.”

Metrosexual Men

Just as I start to plot how I am going to fight ravenous advances from men off, from men who love other men, the customs man comes back. “Thank you Sir, everything is fine.” He hands my laptop back to me, as well as my entire life. I try looking as casual as I can. I put the laptop back into my luggage as forcefully and quickly as possible. Then I meet up with my wife. She is trying to appear innocent about not standing by my side and holding my hand during my time of need.

Laptop Repairs Needed

While we were sitting in the lounge before our plane took off, I realised why they might have wanted to give my laptop a closer look. It has a slightly cracked screen and certainly the casing isn’t in the best of shape. They probably assumed I had opened the casing up to store several pounds of contraband inside. I will tell you this, next week I’m headed to my laptop repair shop! I have used this company in the past, It is worth paying a few quid so I don’t have to go through that kind of ordeal ever again.

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About the author

Amy Rice writes about computers and ipads, when not writing she enjoys ice skating and swimming with her daughter.